Anonymous asked: F/M/K: Jon Stewart,Stephen Colbert, Conan O'Brien

This is hard because I like all of them so much. I’ll just do my most honest F and M picks and whoever doesn’t make the cuts gets killed by default.

F: Jon Stewart. He’s sort of a silver fox and has this really intense and sincere quality to him that’s sort of bubbling just beneath his goofy/witty exterior. He also seems considerate in a way I can’t explain. Like he’d be really invested in how it is for you. That sounds corny as hell. Okay, moving on.

M: Stephen Colbert. He’s funny and adorable but, you know, ultimately a grown up. I feel like “funny” is a running motif in most of my M descriptions. On a sincere note, I think he’s a really earnest guy, very grounded. I don’t know. Doesn’t he seem like a guy you marry? A dad or something? He is your dad. Wait. No. Not YOUR dad. Your childrens’ dad. Because you are marrying him. (After you fuck his friend and colleague Jon Stewart.)

K: Conan O’Brien. He’s too skinny to F, too busy to M, and won’t get rid of that nasty Taurus. Therefore he must die. Literally that is the only fate that can await a person like Conan O’Brien. Death. By killing. Somehow.